In 2006, at the anarcha-feminist conference La Rivolta in Boston, Vikki Law and I gave our first “Don’t Leave Your Friends Behind” workshop. We wanted to share our experiences as a radical 40-year-old mother of an 18-year-old and a 29-year-old anarchist mother of a 5-year-old with the predominantly young, childfree audience of radicals.
We both spoke from personal experience. I had raised my daughter for 10 years on welfare. I had felt a lack of support in the subculture I came from and felt forced to depend on more mainstream resources for support such as public school, vaccinations, living in my grandmother’s basement in the suburbs, returning to college, and working in an office. After struggling to get out of poverty, I was still poor many years after welfare “reform.” Vikki spoke of her many years of activism in her community before giving birth and the isolation and confusion she felt afterwards. If a mother could still do these things, why in so many endeavors did she now feel unwelcome? For example, a bookstore collective wouldn’t address a member’s dog that was known to bite or unsafe parts of the store that could have been blocked off to improve child safety. Their response was that these were Vikki’s personal issues because she had become a mother.
Slowly she forced herself back into the world she came from, giving a speech on women prisoners’ resistance with an infant latched at her breast, finding the places she could fit in with her toddler, like continuing to volunteer at and coordinate at Books through Bars, which sends donated books to prisoners. Community support made it possible: folks babysitting her daughter or contributing to her care when they were involved in projects together and community members just being friendly, accommodating, and acknowledging her concerns with participation as a parent.
At the end of our workshop, we asked our audience to brainstorm concrete ways they could support mothers and children. We wrote down their replies and made a list to share with others. Their suggestions included giving children attention; announcing at the beginning of a meeting that we are OK with children making noise or offering to play with a restless child outside; visiting children and parents in their spaces; and specifically inviting a child to participate in an activity that could be child friendly. Most of all, we raised consciousness around children and their caretakers’ struggles and why those without children should care—that these problems weren’t just parents’ problems.
Any particular person or group’s oppression should matter to us, as it is intermingled with our own. Just because we don’t or wouldn’t want to have a child of our own doesn’t mean we shouldn’t think of those who do. We don’t have to like an individual (or children) to treat them with respect, acknowledge their right to be here, and recognize the impact that their issues and experiences have on society. Children’s and mothers’ issues mix and overlap with wider societal issues, and children and mothers are deeply affected by systemic violence and injustice: racism, classism, sexism, and other issues like immigration, homophobia, and transphobia (hatred and fear of transgender and gender-nonconforming people).
Being pro-choice means supporting the choice to have either a child or an abortion, but for many there is very little support for having a child. In many communities, even radical ones, the right to family is under attack. Parents’ and children’s issues are influenced greatly by gendered, racial, economic, and other oppressions, each in its own ways. These issues should also be addressed by activists who seek social change and justice.
Because we are age segregated in western society, many may be unfamiliar with children and unaware of the concerns of their caretakers and the small things they can do to make a difference. Our workshop is focused on discussion geared toward creating change. One way the community can help is by providing childcare at conferences and events. This improves accessibility and therefore participation of underrepresented parents, especially mothers who are most often left with the onus of caregiving and would be unable to participate otherwise. We are all interdependent; although some individuals may appear more vocal, able, or independent than others, all will benefit by the work of the community.
We continued doing these workshops, together and with others, in various cities and at events. We have taught others and learned ourselves about radical childcare. Vikki’s daughter Siu Loong always participated in the children’s programming, and for two years I organized Kidz Corner at the Mid-Atlantic Radical Bookfair. That first year was the first time I had seen any childcare at a radical event in my city. The second year I was a co-organizer, and it was easier. Now I am part of a newly formed collective called Kidz City, which created children’s programming at the City From Below, a conference in Baltimore last March. From those experiences as well as discussions on a listserv for anarchist parents, we realized the need for a Radical Parent Allies Handbook.
More and more organizers of radical events have started considering children and parents and asking for ideas in planning. Collectives with new parents are also beginning to seek advice and experiences on supporting rather than shutting them out. A revolutionary dialogue around including children and parents has been taking place in different little groups; more and more we see that a resource and gathering of these experiences is necessary.
As we share our experiences, we can learn how to support anti-oppression work, build bridges, and create an all-ages culture of resistance. We are still learning, seeking, and prompting conversations on the topic. Every workshop is an experience: we talk to more people and bring up or discover aspects we haven’t seen covered before (e.g., children with special needs or language differences).
What are the ways you support parents and children in your scene? If you are a parent, in what concrete ways does your community support you, or how do you wish it would? We are especially interested in experiences that also take into account factors such as race, class, gender, single parenthood, and/or mental health issues. We are seeking essays as well as concrete suggestions—from one sentence to 3,000 words—for the Radical Parents Allies Handbook.
For more concrete ways to support caretakers and children (as well as other information on this project and how to submit), visit dontleaveyourfriendsbehind.blogspot.com.
